Tokyo Stunned: Erik Stages Surprise Visit

August 8, 2002; Web Posted at 3:12 PM JST 

 

-- TOKYO, Japan

 

Tokyo, one of the world's largest cities, just became a lot larger as Erik visited the Japanese capital and its huge neighbor, Yokohama on a whirlwind tour.  Erik's Tokyo office provided ENN with an official press release stating that Erik visited the city to spend time with longtime friend Ayako (see her in the Jerusalem photo album) and her family in Yokohama.

 

However, unidentified sources told ENN that Erik also planned to "shop, meet hot women, and see as much of Tokyo as possible" during his short visit.  He managed to accomplish all three goals, apparently, as Erik attended a beautiful festival near the coast, watched the Tokyo Fireworks, visited Yokohama's Chinatown, and enjoyed the view from Landmark Tower, Japan's tallest skyscraper.  He also visited the famous Shinjuku and Shibuya districts of Tokyo, where he allegedly met "freaky" women dressed as dead people.  "Hot," Erik was quoted as saying.

 

Ayako reported that she was "stunned" at Erik's huge popularity in Japan, and she repeatedly complimented Erik on his "amazing" Japanese language ability.  Erik insists that he only spoke about 5 words of Japanese with Ayako.  At the end of the day, however, these two old friends enjoyed catching up and had a great time.

 

Stay with ENN for more on this story as it becomes available, and be ready for more photos in the forthcoming Tokyo Photo Album.

 

 

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Erik Screws Up Ritto High School's Sports Festival

July 25, 2002; Web Posted at 10:42 PM JST 

 

Photos in the Japan Photo Album!!

-- RITTO, Japan

 

The annual Ritto High School Sports Festival had its worst year ever thanks to a ridiculous performance by Assistant Language Teacher Erik Love.  Erik was seen racing in the Teacher's 200m Relay, but nearly managed to destroy the entire event after almost tripping and knocking fellow teacher Fujiwara-sensei to the ground.  "What was that?!" Erik said, pointing to the ground, in an attempt to pin blame on a stray rock.

 

Thankfully, that was the only event in which Erik participated.  The sports festival included a massive tug-of-war tournament, several races and relays, a high jump, shot put, and a "Who can scream 'ERIKUUUU!' Loudest" competition.  Erik was seen cheering all students along, much to the chagrin of several students who thought that they were the only recipients of Erik's enthusiastic well-wishing.

 

See photos of this event in the Japan Photo Album, and remember to stay with ENN as final results of Erik's poor performance in the teacher relay come in.

 

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"Week of Hell" as Erik Recovers from Stolen Bicycle

July 10, 2002; Web Posted at 9:33 AM JST 

 

-- PURGATORY, Seventh Ring of Hell

“My life sucks," Erik was quoted as saying after a week which found him without a bicycle and without a mobile telephone.  At a press conference in Tokyo, Erik retold the story of what he later termed his “Week of Hell."

“Well, first of all, my brand-new bicycle.  Yeah, it’s ridiculous.  I was riding home the other day, and the fricking pedal fell off.  Yes, the pedal."  After this incident, Erik apparently had his supervisor, the amazing Kato-sensei, help him take it back to the shop for warranty service.  Sadly, the shop had no bicycle loaner for Erik to borrow, so he instead borrowed one of his neighbor’s bicycles.  This neighbor, Kari, happens to have about four bicycles, of which she uses only one.

Erik thanked Kari for the bicycle, and rode it around town to do his errands, and then he enjoyed a peaceful sleep.  The next morning, he woke up “about three hours late," and was in a rush to get to school.

“You can imagine how great I felt when I went outside to find that Kari’s bicycle had been stolen.  I thought Japan didn’t have any crime!!  Ridiculous."

After that, Erik says, the day just continued to get “even more poopy."  Upon arriving at work late, Erik then was told that he did not have only two classes to teach, as he expected, but that he would actually have to teach “five fricking classes in a row." After getting through the day at work, he then noticed that his mobile telephone was malfunctioning.  “That was just the icing on the cake.  So, now I don’t have a mobile phone or a bike.  My life is pathetic."

When asked whether he felt his life was worse than the starving refugees in Afghanistan, Erik emphatically said, “Absolutely.  Do you think any of them have to deal with a stolen bicycle AND a broken mobile phone "all at the same time??  No.  Lucky bastards."

Stay with ENN as we monitor Erik’s deteriorating morale as he walks around town looking for a pay telephone.

 

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Japan Hosts World Cup, Erik Becomes "Hooligan"

June 10, 2002; Web Posted at 10:42 PM JST 

 

See World Cup photos in the Japan Photo Album!

-- KYOTO, Japan

 

The World Cup Finals have started, and Japan is cohosting the event with South Korea.  Japan has been preparing for this, the largest sporting event in the world, for years.  In recent months, the Japanese media have focused on the danger presented by overseas visitors to Japan -- some of whom may be "hooligans."  Hooligans, particularly Europeans, have been known to cause rioting at World Cup soccer games in the past, most notably in France and just a few days ago in Moscow.  Many in the Japanese media have called for extreme caution during the tournament.  And one Japanese lawmaker was quoted as saying, "We must prepare for the worst... there could be a surge in unwanted babies because of foreigners raping our women."

 

Erik gladly accepted his status as a "hooligan," simply because he is a foreigner in Japan at the time of the World Cup.  As a hooligan, Erik has been seen doing some crazy things, including shouting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" during a soccer match.  He was also spotted by ENN photographers at a raucous party on the evening of June 9, 2002, where he watched the Japan-Russia game on television with some friends.  See the Japan photo album for photos.

 

Stay with ENN, your official World Cup Hooligan headquarters, for more on this story as it develops.

 

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Japan's Fish Population Decimated: Erik Goes Fishing

May 26, 2002; Web Posted at 10:42 PM JST 

 

-- GOD'S COUNTRY, Japan

Declaring that he has had “enough of these pesky suburban conveniences, Erik and friends Mike, Josh, Koji, Kumiko, and Masao headed out for the Japanese wilderness in northern Shiga Prefecture on Saturday, May 25^th.  “The wilderness had no idea Erik was so good at camping, Koji said, as he helped Erik brush his teeth without water.  “It’s not that hard, Erik, just spit a lot."

The group began by camping along Shiga’s beautiful Lake Biwa.  Satellite photos obtained by ENN show the campers having a Korean-style barbecue, followed by “singing and dancing like a bunch of idiots.  They then apparently retired to their “bungalow, and enjoyed a few moments of sleep.  At the “ungodly" hour of 6am, the campers awoke to Koji’s incessant calls of “Good morning!!  Fishing time!!"  The adventurers then set out for the beautiful rivers of nearby Fukui-ken.

Once there, Erik witnessed the unique Japanese adventure of “guaranteed fishing."  Erik and his friends were assigned to area 15 of the river, and to help them catch some fish, the river’s employees dumped about 30 fish into area 15, which was separated from areas 14 and 16 by rocks which kept the fish from swimming away.  Then, Erik and his friends began fishing, and sure enough, they managed to catch about 29 fish.  Erik reportedly had trouble getting the fish from his hook into the cooler, however.  “They’re too slimy,"he was quoted as saying, although he later retracted his statement.  “I love fish, and I can’t wait to hold a raw, living fish in my hands again,"he clarified.

After catching the 29 fish, the adventurers allegedly set to cleaning and grilling them right away.  In an amazing development, Erik was seen taking the fish and poking a skewer right through their eyes and into their bodies.  “I’d love to be a vegetarian,"he said, “but this is just too much fun."

After eating the fish and enjoying some sleepy time on the “riverbank,"Erik and his friends then returned home.  Koji, speaking on condition of anonymity, told ENN that Erik is a “wilderness wuss, I can’t believe I invited him on this trip.  He definitely needs to stay in the suburbs.  Erik was unavailable for comment.

Stay with ENN as we monitor Erik’s further attempts to break loose of his city boy background.  And be sure to check the Japan Photo Album for amazing photos of this adventure!

 

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Hawaii Stunned: Erik To Visit in August

May 18, 2002; Web Posted at 3:40 PM JST 

 

-- OSAKA- KANSAI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, Japan

The Hawaiian Islands have begun preparations for a summertime visit from Erik.  According to informed sources in Erik’s Japan offices who spoke with ENN on condition of anonymity, the Ritto High School English teacher has ordered tickets to Honolulu for sometime in August.  Erik was unavailable for comment, but his spokesperson, Alicia Keys, issued a statement denying that Erik was looking for “hot women on the beach."  She insisted that Erik was in fact looking for “hot women at the gym."

Stay with ENN as we attempt to find more details about Erik’s alleged Hawaii travel plans.

 

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Japan Outraged: Erik Appointed as Kid's Camp Coordinator

May 15, 2002; Web Posted at 9:43 AM JST 

 

-- OTSU, Japan

Reports are coming in that suggest Erik has volunteered to be a “camp program coordinator"for the upcoming Shiga prefecture “Kids Camp 2002."  At a press conference in the Prefectural capital, Erik announced his participation by saying, “Kids: your carefree days of summer fun are OVER.  I’m in charge now, boys and girls!!  HAHAHA!"  He was quickly escorted off the stage by the governor of Shiga, but a later press release clarified that Erik would be a member of a team planning a camp for elementary students to live and work with native English speakers for three days at a wilderness camp.  How Erik was given this job remains a mystery.

Stay with ENN as we bring you more details of Erik's program coordinating and it's effects, good and bad, on Japan's fragile youth.

 

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Erik Announces "Boyz II Men Day" on Release of

New Album

May 29, 2002; Web Posted at 10:00 AM JST 

 

-- PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania

According to a press conference given by Erik in Tokyo, Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi has declared May 29, 2002 as “Boyz II Men National Day," to commemorate the release of Boyz II Men’s fifth and most exciting album: Full Circle.  When Prime Minister Koizumi was asked to confirm Erik’s claim about "Boyz II Men Day," he stated simply, “We’re going to get that Erik Love and throw him out of the country.  I’ve had enough of his antics.  Where’s my sushi?"

Boyz II Men released a statement thanking Prime Minister Koizumi, to which he replied, “Bite me."  The new album features several tracks written by super-producer Babyface, who wrote such Boyz II Men classics as “End of the Road" and “Water Runs Dry."  Witnesses reported seeing Erik “near orgasm"as the CD became available in Japan before it was available in the United States.  “It’s clearly fate that I’m here in Japan right now," Erik was quoted as saying.

Stay with ENN as we watch the fanatic listen to his new CD continuously over the next 50 years.  And don't forget that you can pick up your copy of Full Circle at a CD store near you for only 2100 yen!

 

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Japan's Fish Population Decimated: Erik Goes Fishing

May 26, 2002; Web Posted at 10:42 PM JST 

 

-- GOD'S COUNTRY, Japan

Declaring that he has had “enough of these pesky suburban conveniences,"Erik and friends Mike, Josh, Koji, Kumiko, and Masao headed out for the Japanese wilderness in northern Shiga Prefecture on Saturday, May 25^th.  “The wilderness had no idea Erik was so good at camping,"Koji said, as he helped Erik brush his teeth without water.  “It’s not that hard, Erik, just spit a lot."

The group began by camping along Shiga’s beautiful Lake Biwa.  Satellite photos obtained by ENN show the campers having a Korean-style barbecue, followed by “singing and dancing like a bunch of idiots."  They then apparently retired to their “bungalow,"and enjoyed a few moments of sleep.  At the “ungodly"hour of 6am, the campers awoke to Koji’s incessant calls of “Good morning!!  Fishing time!!"  The adventurers then set out for the beautiful rivers of nearby Fukui-ken.

Once there, Erik witnessed the unique Japanese adventure of “guaranteed fishing."  Erik and his friends were assigned to area 15 of the river, and to help them catch some fish, the river’s employees dumped about 30 fish into area 15, which was separated from areas 14 and 16 by rocks which kept the fish from swimming away.  Then, Erik and his friends began fishing, and sure enough, they managed to catch about 29 fish.  Erik reportedly had trouble getting the fish from his hook into the cooler, however.  “They’re too slimy,"he was quoted as saying, although he later retracted his statement.  “I love fish, and I can’t wait to hold a raw, living fish in my hands again,"he clarified.

After catching the 29 fish, the adventurers allegedly set to cleaning and grilling them right away.  In an amazing development, Erik was seen taking the fish and poking a skewer right through their eyes and into their bodies.  “I’d love to be a vegetarian,"he said, “but this is just too much fun."

After eating the fish and enjoying some sleepy time on the “riverbank,"Erik and his friends then returned home.  Koji, speaking on condition of anonymity, told ENN that Erik is a “wilderness wuss, I can’t believe I invited him on this trip.  He definitely needs to stay in the suburbs."  Erik was unavailable for comment.

Stay with ENN as we monitor Erik’s further attempts to break loose of his city boy background.  And be sure to check the Japan Photo Album for amazing photos of this adventure!

 

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Erik Takes It To Kobe

April 30, 2002; Web Posted at 9:13 PM JST 

 

-- KOBE, Japan

On April 26, Erik and the entire Junior class of Ritto High School took a “school excursion" to Kobe, a city roughly an hour away.  Erik reportedly had no idea whatsoever why he was going to Kobe, other than to entertain the students with his calls of “Good morning" and “Let’s go to Kobe!"

Little did he know that he was destined to arrive at one of the most amazing places in all of Japan: Kobe’s “Portopia Island"(or as it is pronounced by most Japanese speaking people: "Poetopya Irando!!!  Ret’s go!!"  And this “Island" is actually an area near the Pacific coast that is just covered in roller coasters, games, bumper cars, ice cream, and screaming Japanese girls.  Erik was in heaven.

According to eyewitnesses, Erik “made a fool of himself" on the bumper cars.  But, he allegedly “redeemed himself" when he comforted several students who were scared to ride on the Pirate Ride.  Erik also managed to ride the “Big Splash" ride without getting wet at all.  “Wow," Erik was quoted as saying.

According to Japanese satellite imagery, this was the first time Erik had visited Kobe, but he visited again the next day, and he plans to spend more than three nights in the city soon as part of a “JET/Boyz II Men Conference"  Stay with ENN as we monitor Erik’s attempts to take Kobe by storm.

 

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New Students Learning to Love Boyz II Men

April 30, 2002; Web Posted at 5:23 PM JST 

 

-- RITTO, Japan

According to well-informed sources at Ritto High School, who spoke to ENN on condition of anonymity, Erik has greeted his new students (the school year in Japan begins in early April) by presenting them with several lessons having to do with Boyz II Men.  Erik, for example, has already had the students listen to two Boyz II Men songs in class.  He has also informed the students that a Japanese pop music star has released a collaboration CD with Boyz II Men (available in stores now).

These blatantly pro-Boyz II Men lessons have fueled speculation that Erik has some ulterior motive for teaching in Japan " to spread the word about Boyz II Men as far and as wide as possible.  For his part, Erik denied the allegations of a “secret mission"in a press release.  It said that Erik “in no way is trying to make Boyz II Men popular among the youth of Japan.  It is important for English education that the students go to buy the new Boyz II Men album, Full Circle, when it becomes available on May 28."

The new students have, according to our source, quickly learned that Erik is "not to be trusted."  He has allegedly told several students, when asked, that he is 64 years old in an apparent attempt at humor.  "The students sometimes just accept his age as 64, though.  It's amazing," said one teacher, through a translator.  "It must be because Erik is balding."  Erik also has evidently misinformed students about the nature of his relationship with Janet Jackson.  "He keeps saying that he's married," said one student, through a translator.  Without the help of the translator, the student said, "I'm fine sank you, and you?"

Stay with ENN as we monitor further developments in Erik’s ongoing work at Ritto High School, as we attempt to uncover further evidence of a “secret Boyz II Men mission."

 

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Erik to Continue Getting Even Fatter

April 11, 2002; Web Posted at 7:24 PM JST 

 

-- RITTO, Japan

Anger is seething on the streets of Erik’s city, Ritto.  Thousands have taken to the streets in support of a decision to bar Erik and ENN Diplomatic Bureau chief Cassandra Chamberlin from the local gym.  “It’s like fricking Afghanistan out here," said an area resident, through a translator.

Erik and Cassandra had been planning to join the Ritto Athletic Center (or RAC) for some time, and both were very excited about getting entirely new, sexy bodies.  “I might be sexy already," Cassandra said in a statement, “but everyone could use a good workout every now and again, don’t you think?"  Erik agreed, although several Ritto High School students were quoted as saying that Erik is already “damn sexy."

But, just as the two tried to join the gym, their plans were thwarted due to the new crackdown in Japan, part of Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi’s War on Terrorism.  “We can’t have terrorists or other ‘bad people" in our gyms, after all," the Prime Minister told ENN reporters.

According to eyewitness reports, Erik and Cassandra calmly walked into the gym and began the process of filling out the application forms.