Erik Returns to Michigan

The Family

-- LOVE HEADQUARTERS, America

More than 18 months since his last visit to his hometown in 2001, Erik once again set foot in the Wolverine State to celebrate the graduation of both of his sisters -- Katie from Siena Heights University and Melissa from Southfield High School.  Little did he know that his little visit home would unleash a tide of mayhem and confusion for millions of innocent Michiganders.  (Michiganians?  Whatever.)

Erik's first task was to elude President Bush's guards, one of whom sat on the plane next to Erik during the 13 hour flight from Osaka.  This young woman seemed nice enough at first, but a few moments after takeoff, she began wiping her nose in an earthquake of convulsions, rubbing her finger across her upper lip like a jackhammer.  This episode repeated itself approximately every 15 minutes, driving Erik to drink.  But, like the "amazing" man he is, Erik survived until he reached Detroit.  Once there, Erik had to elude Bush's trained agents.  No small task, considering that Bush promised to "smoke [Erik] out of his hole and get 'im," more than 18 months ago.  Well, once again, Bush came up empty handed, as Erik deftly snuck past the guards at the airport and found his way to his mother, who this time was not holding any balloons as she greeted Erik at the airport.

The following 10 days were a roller coaster for Erik and the entire Detroit metropolitan area.  Erik nearly caused 253 traffic accidents as he drove on the wrong side of the road, turned at inappropriate times, honked his horn accidentally, and went the wrong way down one-way streets.  Other than that, Erik claims, his return to driving was "a huge success."

In addition, Erik was accused of streaking the stage in a skimpy thong at the Southfield High School graduation.  (See related story.)  "I had nothing to do with that," Erik claims.  Aside from this crime, Erik was also accused of trying to steal his friends' new baby, Noah.

Despite all the mayhem he caused, Erik managed to have a spectacular time in Michigan with his family and friends.  He reportedly is "looking forward" to his short remaining time in Japan "with an eye toward the future" of causing more mayhem throughout the United States.  Stay with ENN as we bring you the latest Erik News, throughout the year.