ENN Exclusive: Women Stunned at Erik's Appearance at a Wedding

Erik and Eriko at the wedding.  Women everywhere reported "unbridled, burning" jealousy before hearing that Erik was not in fact married.

-- OMI-HACHIMAN, Japan

Women everywhere emailed ENN headquarters in New York to complain that they were kept "in the dark" about Erik's wedding plans after hearing from less reliable sources (including our rival network who stole our -NN idea in their name) that Erik was in a wedding in October 2002 with a rather lovely woman named "Eriko."

"Why didn't you *&#$ers tell us that he was going to be in a wedding?" one ENN critic wrote, adding that "He was supposed to be mine!"  Celebrity Winona Ryder demanded that ENN write her an official apology, claiming that ENN used her "legal troubles" as an excuse for Erik not to call her.  Janet Jackson reportedly told ENN reporters that she and Erik were "officially over, but I'm still heartbroken at this news.  I can't believe ENN didn't break this story sooner."

Fortunately for these ENN viewers, we have now confirmed that Erik did indeed appear in a wedding, but not as the groom.  According to official Japanese government documents obtained by ENN, Erik participated in the wedding as an official "witness."  The initial confusion over Erik's role came in that no one at ENN was able to read the Japanese characters for "bride," "groom," or "witness."  We apologize for the error, and we hope that the approximately three dozen women who suffered heart attacks upon hearing that Erik was getting married were able to make a full recovery.

ENN has also learned that two of Erik's closest friends in Japan, Cassandra and Stephane Renout, actually did get married on October 13, 2002, with an "honored and humbled" Erik serving as one of two witnesses required to sign documents to make the marriage legal in Japan.

Erik, visibly balding, signs the official marriage documents, effectively signing his friends' lives away as they look on.

The wedding ceremony itself was "beautiful," and featured "heaps" of "ridiculously" "delicious" food, all of which was prepared by the groom himself, who is a professional French Gourmet Chef.  Erik reported gaining approximately 30 pounds the day after the wedding.  Both bride and groom were dressed in stunning kimono for the ceremony, which was attended by the couple's friends and coworkers.

The ceremony also featured such Japanese traditions as a game of Bingo, and a question-and-answer session with the couple, during which Cassandra was required to specify whether she loved her new husband or her boss more.  She answered, "Normally, I'd choose money over love, but this time, I have to say Stephane.  Sorry!"

Stay with ENN as we monitor Erik's marital status and his burgeoning waistline as he continues to enjoy Stephane's amazing food.  And congratulations, Cass and Stephane!