Erik Desperate To Suckle At Federal Teat

-- NATIONAL SCIENCE FOUNDATION, Alexandria, VA

ENN has confirmed that Erik has finished his application for the coveted "National 'Science' Foundation Graduate Research Fellowship," a prize worth several billion dollars over five years for a few lucky graduate students nationwide.

When asked by his conservative friends how he can justify suckling at the federal government's teat, Erik replied that "I'm willing to suckle at just about any teat at this point."

The National 'Science' Foundation awards fellowships to graduate students in biological, physical, and social sciences around the United States.  "I guess what I'm doing is science," Erik said in one of his eight application personal essays, "and I guess I'm OK with taking federal money.  I mean, look at my friends that are working in the corporate world.  They earn billions of dollars for sitting in a cubicle and working for the man.  I deserve to make billions from their tax dollars, right?"

Conservative spokesperson Ian Douglass confirmed Erik's analysis: "I'm about to be a graduate student as well, and I hope to take as much money as possible from the government."

But conservative talk-show host Bill O'Reilly disagreed.  He was quoted as saying that Erik is "part of the liberal machine's dominance of the university system.  They take my tax money and use it to undermine the Bush Administration.  Screw Erik and all the other teat suckers around this great country.  Peace out, ENN, I'm off to get my falafel on."

Stay with ENN for the results of Erik's application as soon as they come in.